efreit's Xanga

Saturday, November 07, 2009

Sat, 07 Nov 2009 07:12:18 GMT

Soooo... Halloween has passed. Probably one of the best weekends I've had since college started.

I feel like I'm starting to fall behind in my classes. Well, just a little bit. I'm not failing, or anything, but just, not as good as I'd like to be doing. I suppose it's my fault for procrastinating, like right now. I should be writing this silly essay, and yet I just can't bring myself to writing it.

Sometimes I forget how great singing is. I need to get back in touch with that.

Monday, October 19, 2009

Mon, 19 Oct 2009 10:34:56 GMT

So it's been almost two months into college and it feels very much like CTY. I guess it still hasn't really hit me that this is school and that everything I do here actually matters. In any case, I'm surviving.

I feel like I'm the only one who still hasn't fit in, and honestly I don't think I ever will. I suppose I never really knew how to fit in. And I don't mean "fit in" as in "be like everyone else." All I want is to have a close friend or two, and I don't. I haven't found anyone (probably because I didn't really look) and it's too late to do so now, because everyone's already established a connection with someone and now I'm the only one left with no partner. I deserve it, though.

Maybe I'll meet someone next semester. Or the next. Or the one after that. I may never meet anyone who'd be interested in me as much as I would be in him/her. And I guess in the end I would have to live with that, emerging from college friendless. I see my mom and notice that she doesn't have any friends from college that she still keeps in contact with, and I see how lonely she is. I don't want that to happen to me, but I think it will. I'm a pretty anti-social person and I don't really fit the definition of "cool."

For once, I'd like to be happy. I mean, I am happy, for the most part, or at least enough to live from day to day. But I think that there's just something missing in my life that just hasn't been filled. I know; it's corny, but life's full of corny things no matter how much I wish it weren't.

Just a friend. That's all I ask for.

Thursday, August 27, 2009

Thu, 27 Aug 2009 08:12:39 GMT

So I'm nice and settled in college. Kind of. It's not great, but it's better than being home.
Perhaps one day I'll fit in somewhere.

Sunday, August 09, 2009

Sun, 09 Aug 2009 08:13:24 GMT

HEHEHEHEHEHE I need sleep. srsly.

Thursday, August 06, 2009

Thu, 06 Aug 2009 08:28:48 GMT

And in the end, all I really feel is anger. Frustration. Annoyance. Bitterness.

Why?

Oh, right, because I'm a horrible person.
Unfortunately, I'm beginning to not give a fuck.

Why should I be a good person? Fuck good intentions because they always turn out bad. There's a book sitting on the shelf of my desk at work: 35 Dumb Things Well-Intended People Say. Well fuck me, that's the story of my life.

Except that I don't usually say anything. I just do stupid shit. Scratch that, I say dumb things too.

I open my fat mouth, and not only did nothing get better, shit just got downright worse. What did I do to get this? Sure, I probably deserved some shit for leaving one guy and getting with another dude a month later. Yeah, I get it. But I only have two words for both of you: fuck you.

Sure, you're "over it." You're so over it that you can't even talk to me anymore. Right. Because that's the definition of "over it." "Over it" means that you can't deal with it. "Over it" means you're too scared of some shit that might happen if you even associate with me. "Over it" means you're still a scared, little pansyfuck. Of course. Because you're over it.

I'm not saying you shouldn't be given time to chill and think things over, because that would be unfair. If you're not over it, fucking say it. And if you are over it, you're lying. Stop your bullshit.

And you. You, oh, you. Don't even get me started on you. I understand he's your BFF and you want to ignore me because I hurt his feelings. Fine. Hell, I'd ignore a good friend of mine for that reason, too; I assure you. But, seriously, because you wanted him? You just wanted to avoid me because of that? I understand a subtle tendency to be less talkative, but the whole "gee, I'm gonna try to do everything I can so I don't have to communicate with you, even if it's out of my way" attitude really makes me wanna... rant about this on Xanga. I mean, you could at least look at me during the times you did happen to talk to me.
Seriously, I didn't even know what the heck I did wrong. And really, I didn't do anything wrong. Did I know anything about this? No. Did I intentionally try to make things happen the way they did? NO. The answer is fucking NO. And yet, you found that the best way to remedy the situation was to be a total bitch. Thanks a lot.

Oh right, and you start talking to him before you even bother start talking to me. Once again, I didn't do jack shit, and I'm being ignored? Did you forget about the so-called "betrayal?" Did you forget that I did nothing wrong? Did you forget that we were good friends at one point in time? Unless I wasn't a good friend. For some reason that explanation slipped my mind. It all makes sense now. Then I guess the whole point of this rant is moot.

Damn, and to think I was gonna build you a fucking time machine. Doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things. It's too late to change a damned thing. You missed your chance. I fucked up all my chances. Let's just be each other's drunken mistake and pretend this never happened.

Except it did. And even when you're old and about to die, you'll remember some weird girl that you were good friends with until she accidentally st- oh. I still have some shred of decency to not totally vomit your problems all over the interweb. I'll remember you, though. At least I will vaguely, every time I see a certain homosexual pop star.

And other you: I don't have anything else to say to you.

apologies

Mon, 27 Jul 2009 05:57:48 GMT

Just when I thought I stopped caring, I had to go and ruin someone's night. I think I just became the worst person in the world.

So here it is. I don't know if I've said it before, or if I've said it so many times it's been desensitized (wtf did I spell that right?).

I'm sorry.
I'm sorry for everything that happened in the last year and a half. I'm sorry that I hurt so many people. I'm sorry that for some reason I just have to make everything worse. I'm sorry that I'm such a selfish person. I'm sorry that I ever thought the world revolved around me (it doesn't, but I'm sure subconsciously I'm just a self-centered little bitch). I'm sorry I even brought it up now, so many months later.

I guess I never really did get over it. Why do I even bother when I know it won't ever be the same? Why do I want it back to how it was? Fuck, I don't know.

All I know is that I don't regret it. Even after all the shit that I accidentally caused that affected some of the most important people in my life, we still have the past to remember. Learn from our mistakes? Haha, like that actually happens in real life. But if we ever want a little reminder of our young, foolish selves, it's there.

I should go work on my plans for that time machine.

Sunday, July 19, 2009

Sun, 19 Jul 2009 06:36:10 GMT

Today is a very insignificant day. I just thought I'd use this time to say how hot Hyori is. Yeah.

fuck.

Tue, 09 Jun 2009 06:16:41 GMT

I need to replay three-hours-worth of FF8 just so I can get Alexander.

FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKmylife.

In other news, school is almost over. Awesome.

Friday, March 06, 2009

Fri, 06 Mar 2009 06:08:47 GMT

I like to think I'm straight (because, let's face it, I like guys), but I know I also like girls, but not in the I-have-a-crush-on-you-let's-get-married kind of way. I like girls in a you're-hot-let's-make-out kind of way. Does that make me bisexual?

I'm not bicurious, because I'm not curious. I know what I like and I'm not curious about a single damned thing. But suddenly, when I have to place myself in a category, it gets confusing. What exactly am I? Am I straight because I become attached to guys, or am I bisexual because I think girls are hot?

Although, I might start saying I'm bi because the bisexual pride flag is pretty, as shown below:

(props to Wikipedia, my best friend)

In other news, I like Insomnia.
peace out Ü

Tuesday, March 03, 2009

Tue, 03 Mar 2009 05:36:00 GMT

Sometimes I wish BoA's English was better, but I can't do anything about that.

March! That means college decisions! I think I'm going to cry this month. A lot. Or maybe not. Who knows!
I've also been with my boyfriend for a year. I wonder how that happened haha.. ha.

I'm in a relatively good place right now. Not right now, like, this week, but just.. right.. now. This moment. Ahh... (insert contented sigh here)

seb